Breastfeeding, a Love Story

I feel like breastfeeding isn't something a lot of people talk about. Even if you know someone that has breastfeed their baby, you probably haven't talked to them about it or seen it up close. Probably because its such a private and intimate thing between mom + baby.

It's the most natural and unnatural thing at the same time. I have learned that breastfeeding in large part isn't easy for most people nor do many people do it or stick with it. 

When I was pregnant, I researched EVERYTHING! I was so scared, anxious and excited about the tiny life I was creating inside me. I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to keep her healthy, happy + safe. But I never researched breastfeeding, but I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I didn't even think twice about it! I guess I just thought it would be easy. Just put the baby on your boob and go! Oh boy was I wrong! lol

I realize that everyone's experience can be different, but for Summer and I the hospital nurses and in house lactation consultants made breastfeeding an incredibly stressful + traumatic experience. Summer would not latch the entire time we were in the hospital... it felt like all the nurses and lactation consultants in the hospital came to see us and try to help us breastfeed. I think they meant well and everything (they were so helpful with everything else) but when it came to breastfeeding they made things very traumatic! They shoved and pushed Summer (and me!) around in various positions to try to get her to latch, all while Summer screamed and fussed--all to no avail! As a new mom you quickly have to get over any shyness or privacy issues you might have because it seems like everyone and their mother has to check and/or see your privates. I got over that pretty quick, pregnancy helped with that too (lol if you've ever been pregnant- you know what I mean!). But the thing that bothered me the most was how they handled Summer. They were not gentle at all or empathetic to her crying. They pushed and cranked on her neck so much and she screamed the entire time. Lots of people including her pediatrician checked her for tongue and lip ties by shoving popsicle sticks down and around her mouth while she screamed and cried. It was so traumatic for both of us! (We were blessed that Summer did not have tongue or lip ties which I have learned can be very common.)As a new mom I wanted to cry every time and tell them to stop but I didn't know what to do because I wanted so desperately to be able to feed my baby. They were trying to help us, so I put on a brave face + tried to remain calm and we kept trying and doing the things they suggested. None of it worked. And it nearly broke my heart. I pumped and fed her my milk in a bottle. They suggested that I keep trying at home and eventually she would latch if I stayed consistent.

But all I wanted to do when I got home was--pump, I never wanted to hear my baby cry the way she did all those times in the hospital when we tried to get her to latch. I could NOT handle it! So I pumped exclusively for 5 weeks and--I nearly lost my mind! It was hard. So hard. All the bottles, all the pumping, it felt like I never got to hold my baby. I would pump while my husband fed her, then I would rock her to sleep, wash and/or sanitize the pump parts and bottles, she would wake up and I'd have to do it all over again. Summer was never a good sleeper so it felt like this never ending vicious cycle that I would repeat over and over with NO sleep. When she would sleep I would try to pump and clean out the pump parts and bottles to get ahead and ready for the next feeding, so that way I could hold her just for a little bit while she was awake + alert.  Four weeks in, I got to the point where I realized that I wouldn't be able to feed Summer breastmilk very long if I kept doing what I was doing. I wasn't sleeping because the pumping demands were insane and I still wanted time with my newborn baby. I was losing my mind, fighting extreme exhaustion and trying to exclusively pump breastmilk for a newborn baby through cluster feeds. It was physically exhausting not to mention I put an enormous pressure on myself to have a surplus of milk. I never wanted my baby to be hungry or without milk so I pumped and pumped. Sometimes I pumped because I was so engorged I thought my boobs would explode! Which only leads to more milk production, so it was an endless cycle and I knew I needed help. I was a hot mess. 

I finally got the courage to try going to another Lactation Consultant, this time one that I found + researched. I found Trine @BreastForBaby through my insurance company after researching every single one on the list I requested from my insurance company (I did some research and found that my insurance company at the time it was BlueCrossBlueShield of Arizona might help cover the expenses). I researched and researched and then some. None of the other lactation consultants felt right. As a new mom, I encourage you to do your research and find the right help, someone that you feel good about. From the start, Trine made me feel comfortable + encouraged. She made scheduling with her so easy, I was able to do it all online through email, while pumping of course! When I say I was pumping around the clock that's an understatement. I literally would pump holding my laptop. 

Trine was so sweet, genuine, understanding AND gentle with both Summer & I. Not to mention her office space, is super cute and comfortable which I loved. I could tell she really cared. She was so supportive and encouraging and made ALL of us feel comfortable + relaxed. I brought my husband to all my appointments for support of course! After all he's the only one who witnessed all the pain + struggle I went through trying to feed our baby up until that point. Trine listened to me tell her about our horrific breastfeeding experience in the hospital and all the details about my pumping. I was able to be completely honest about not wanting to try at all when I got home from the hospital because I was so discouraged. To my surprise she completely agreed and understood my decision not to try breastfeeding after we got home. She said, "sometimes we just all need a break." Which was so nice coming from a lactation consultant.

Within our very first appointment with Trine, I was breastfeeding my baby! It was such an incredible + surreal experience. I couldn't even believe it was happening. All I needed was the help of a nipple shield, Summer was a tiny baby and had a small mouth which resulted in a shallow latch and my nipples weren't long like the bottles we were giving her at the time. It was easier for her to drink a bottle because all she had to do was open her mouth. Trine explained to me that breastfeeding is a workout for little babies. I never knew that before. It makes sense though. 

After that breastfeeding wasn't ALL gravy, but it was AMAZING I loved all the cuddles and time I had with her. I had some bumps along the way like still being so uncomfortable and engorged from pumping. I still had to figure out how to balance pumping the extra milk out and breastfeeding (which turns out is a very delicate balance) and all the newborn feedings and Summer's wildly unpredictable schedule. But through it all Trine supported + encouraged me. I loved having her help because I could text her anytime day or night when a question came up and she would get back to me almost immediately. (She leaves turns off her phone at night and turns it back on in the morning so you don't have to worry about texting at weird hours when all your questions as a new mom come up!) She seriously thinks of everything. It was so nice to have her help. Honestly Trine was a lifesaver and I don't think I could have gotten through that difficult time without her. She helped me in SO many ways, I can't even explain-- I'm pretty sure she was THE most helpful person to me during the newborn baby stage. 

I eventually had to wean Summer off the nipple shield which was difficult because I didn't want to get rid of the thing that allowed us to breastfeed and I also hated upsetting Summer. I would try to feed her without the nipple shield and she'd cry or refuse to latch. I went months using that annoying little piece of silicone because I didn't want to upset her.. until finally I was ready. Then I kept trying and texting Trine for advice and eventually I was able to nurse without a nipple shield which was life changing. It is wayyy harder than you would think to rely on a small piece of silicone every time you need to feed your hungry fussy baby. Trying to find and keep those things clean and on your nipple is SO difficult and frustrating.

Side Note: Another thing people often don't tell you about breastfeeding is how incredibly selfless and time consuming it can be. I tracked (and still do!) in an app on my phone all Summer's breastfeeding, diaper changes, and sleep and at one point I was breastfeeding up to 8 hours a day! This lasted months, not because she was actively eating all 8 hours but she would not leave my boob or sleep without it. This made leaving the house or doing much of anything other than breastfeeding almost impossible. Forget about sleep! But something that always helped me in moments of anxiety is that breastfeeding as a reminder to slow down + enjoy the present moment! 

Breastfeeding is love. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done but also the most sacred precious gifts I have given Summer. Even when I felt the worst and exhaustion (mentally + physically) got the best of me, I have pushed through and kept breastfeeding. Summer is my everything and to say I would do anything for her is an understatement. <3

Everyone's breastfeeding journey is different but I want you to know if you are struggling, you are not alone. My best advice for new moms is to follow your heart + do what makes you happy. If you do those things, everything will be okay and your baby will be happy too. Happy mom = happy baby. It's so easy to get caught up in trying to keep your baby happy that you forget about yourself but honestly what I learned is that you have to follow your heart + also do what you feel comfortable with. If something doesn't feel right, it's okay to stop + take a moment and come up with a plan and/or get help (or in my case someone else's help). 

Also I realize not everyone's breastfeeding story is like mine nor are two babies alike, but I wanted to share my story in the chance that it helps someone or makes them feel better. I chose to breastfeed my baby but I truly think everyone's situation is different and you have to do what's best for you + your baby. A happy baby is a fed baby and not everyone can breastfeed. And that's okay! My hope is that if it is something that is that important to you, you find the courage to keep going and/or get help. 

Summer and I have now been breastfeeding for 14 months and are still going strong. Although it hasn't been easy, especially in the beginning, it has truly been THE most AMAZING bonding experience for us! I feel so blessed that we have had this time together and continue to do so! I am confident that I would not have been able to do it without Trine's guidance + encouragement. Thank you Trine! I am forever grateful. <3

Here's Trine's website and info for those of you in the East Valley.

https://www.breastforbaby.com/

Thanks for all the support + love. Comment down below or @BabysInTheKitch what is your advice to new moms? What's your breastfeeding story?

xx

Ps. Here is Trine's website. I highly recommend her. https://www.breastforbaby.com/